How to Write a Successful Book

Setting: 2 friends sitting at a dinner table…One of them is a 40-ish struggling writer…

Writer: I think I’m going to give up writing…I just can’t manage to find a publisher for my book...I've given 5 years of my life to it…I think it’s time to give up…

Friend: WOAH!!! Don’t do that…Your book is good…It's different...You just need to market it well…Let me see (thinks for a few minutes)…
EUREKA!!! I’ve got it!!! You need to get your book on the Oprah Book Club list…I’ve read some of the books she has recommended and I think I know the formula…You have to first write another book…It should be like the TV movies that come on Hallmark and Lifetime channels only seem a bit more intellectual like a Toni Morrison book...The main character should be an emotionally anguished one, preferably a poor black female, who is recovering from physical or sexual abuse or is struggling against racism or poverty…You basically have to make the reader feel good about herself and her life – how she is much better off than the character in your book…

Writer: But I’m not that kind of a writer…

Friend: It doesn’t matter…Once you’ve written this book, I can guarantee that you’ll find a publisher…Then get your publisher to get it on the Book Club list…I’m sure Oprah will choose it because of the theme…Once she recommends your book on her show, you’ll sell millions and become a successful author…After that you’ll get calls from hoards of publishers wanting to publish your next book…That is when you give them the book you’ve already written and have been trying to get published…